Myths of Mate-Finding your live partner

 Myths of Mate-Finding your live partner.

Through my many years of pre-marital and marriage counseling, I have discovered that one of the main causes of problems after marriage is the lack of knowledge or inaccurate knowledge before marriage. It never ceases to amaze me how many misconceptions, self-delusions, erroneous assumptions, and naive "pie-in-the-sky" expectations people bring into a marriage relationship. Bad information spawns unrealistic expectations, which lead inevitably to disappointment and disillusionment later. As computer programmers like to say, "Garbage in, garbage. out."

A successful dating life, not to mention a successful marriage afterward, depends on accurate knowledge. Knowledge is the curative for bad information. Proverbs 24:3-4 says, "By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures." Wisdom, understanding, and knowledge can be found in many different ways, but the two best sources are God Himself and the wise counsel of trusted mentors. Again, the words of The Proverbs: "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline" (Prov. 1:7), and, "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed" (Prov. 15:22).

Knowledge is the curative for bad information.

Success rarely occurs without planning, and plans without wisdom usually fail. God has given us the capacity to make plans, but He expects us to look to Him to make them succeed: "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps" (Prov. 16:9). From this we find two principles that are necessary for our success in anything. First, we need a plan, and second, we need godly wisdom for executing that plan successfully. The plan is our responsibility; the wisdom for its execution comes from God. If we want a successful dating life, we must plan for that success. Unless we plan for success, it won't happen. Then we must learn and follow God's principles in order for our plan to succeed. We must make plans in our hearts and then trust the Lord to guide our steps. Even careful, well-laid plans will fail if they are based on faulty information. That is why it is important to have accurate knowledge before we start. It is much easier to avoid mistakes in the beginning than to correct them in mid-stream.

Bearing this in mind, it is time to do a little myth smashing. A myth is an idea or a concept that is widely held to be true, yet has no foundation for its veracity—its supposed truth has never been tested. It is an unfounded or false notion that many people nonetheless assume to be true. There are many myths in our culture regarding the finding of a mate that continue to flourish, even though they are the cause of much confusion and disappointment for people who get caught up in them. I want to take a close look at two of them.

MYTH NUMBER ONE: GOD HAS ONE SPECIAL PERSON FOR ME

One popular idea is that God has for each of us one special, ideal person and that we need to wait until that person crosses our path. At that time lights will flash, bells will ring, our knees will go weak, and our whole life will suddenly be wrapped up in that person. Many of us have been taught in the Church that God has a specific person for us-a "Prince Charming" for every woman and a "Sleeping Beauty" for every man-and only that specific person will do. We have been told that we need to pray and fast and search until that specific person appears. The assumption of many is, "If God made me, then surely He made some special someone somewhere who is perfectly suited for me."

This is a myth. There are no Scriptural grounds to support the idea that there is one and only one "Mr. Right" or "Miss Ideal" for every person. Let's be honest. There are six billion people in the world. If there is only one person in six billion who is right for you, what is the likelihood that the two of you will meet up?

In reality, there are thousands, perhaps millions of people in the world who are potential mates for you because of similarities in personality, character, values, and interests to your own. Even if you find the "perfect" person and marry him or her, you are almost certain to meet others along the way who would also have been "perfect" for you. In some cases, they may even appear to be better suited for you than the person you married.

This is one of the problems behind the divorce epidemic in our society. People marry that "perfect" person, expecting life now to be grand and glorious and enchanting, like a fairy tale. Once the new wears off and reality sets in, many couples become dissatisfied because the reality does not live up to their expectations. In the midst of their discontentment, one or both of them may meet someone new who seems to be just what they have been looking for. An affair begins, a divorce follows, and off they go looking for their fairy tale again.

People who are deceived by this myth get married believing that their "perfect" spouse is the only one for them and that being married to this person will solve all their problems of lust or a wandering eye. If a woman says, "I have found "Mr. Right," she may very well expect that she will no longer be attracted to any other men or tempted by their appeal. A man who says, "I have found the perfect woman for me" may feel that his eye could never be drawn to another woman.

This expectation can cause a particular problem for believers. A husband is enjoying married life when all of a sudden, during a business trip, he meets another woman who attracts him in much the same way his wife does. Then it happens again somewhere else on vacation. Before long he begins to feel guilty, as if he is being unfaithful to his wife simply because he is attracted to other women. He feels dirty and sinful, thinking, "I'm married. I love my wife. I'm not supposed to feel this way." At this point, one of two things may happen. He may become so guilt-ridden that he surrenders in defeat and enters into an affair, or he may withdraw and become unsociable out of fear that he cannot trust himself.

Many married believers experience guilt over feeling attracted to people other than their mates. This sense of guilt is often due, at least in part, to this erroneous idea that there is one and only one "right" person for them to marry. In reality, there are any number of people who would be suitable. A difference in timing or circumstances could have resulted in their marrying someone else.

Marrying one "suitable" person does not mean all the others vanish away. No matter how much we may love our mate, no matter how devoted we are to him or her, we will always meet others of the opposite sex who attract us. That is natural, normal, and inevitable. How we deal with that reality will, in large measure, determine whether we experience success or failure. That is why accurate knowledge is so important. Once we know that there are many "suitable" people we could marry, and not just one, we will not be so surprised by the attraction we feel toward some.

Smashing this myth leads to two important conclusions. First, if there are any number of “suitable" candidates for us to marry, then marrying one out of that number becomes a choice that we make. Second, the choice that we make to marry a particular person calls for a firm commitment on our part to be faithful to the one we choose. Choice and commitment go hand-in-hand.

MYTH NUMBER TWO: GOD CHOOSES THE PERSON HE WANTS ME TO MARRY

A second common myth about marriage is the idea that God chooses the person He wants you to marry. This myth is a natural outgrowth of the first one. After all, if God has created one and only one special person for each of us, then obviously He has chosen that person for us and vice versa. We have already seen that the idea of there being one special person for us is false. The idea that God chooses our mates for us is just as false.

Some folks have the idea-and some have even been taught in their churches that the Lord somehow will reveal to them who they are to marry. It may be in a dream, or through a prophecy, or some other mystical or supernatural means. Some even imagine that they can sit on the edge of their bed, close their eyes, open their Bible, and put their finger randomly on a page, so that when they open their eyes they will see the name of their future spouse. If a woman sees the name Joshua, for example, she will start looking expectantly for a guy named Joshua to come into her life. On the surface, this sounds like a nice, "spiritual" approach. It has some problems, however. What if her finger lands on the name "Elimelech," or "Zerubbabel"? What are the chances of her finding a man carrying one of those names?

Even in the Church there are a lot of people doing some really spooky stuff in an attempt to find a spouse. Too many times I have heard someone say something like, "Last night while I was praying, I had a vision where the Lord told me that I am going to marry "John." Wherever that vision came from, it did not come from the Lord, and here's why. If God told this woman in a vision that she is supposed to marry John, then God has violated both her will and John's. By telling her she is to marry John, God has violated her will to choose John, as well as John's will to refuse. God created all of us with the freedom to choose, and He never violates that freedom.

I remember one situation where a young woman came to me and said, "Brother Myles, I had a dream and the Lord told me I am supposed to marry so-and-so. I know it's true. I went and got confirmation from a few brothers and sisters, and they all said, "Yes, he's the one." She even had Scripture to back it up: "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord" (Prov. 18:22).

After she finished sharing this with me, I simply asked, "Have you checked with him"? "No," she answered, "I'm waiting for the Lord to tell him.""In that case," I said, "don't count on marrying him. This is not from God. If it were, He would have given this young man the same message He gave you."

She got angry with me because I did not agree with her prophecy, and left. Three or four months passed with nothing else happening, and then the man she was so certain about started going with someone else. She came back to my office and started crying. Through her tears she said, "Brother Myles, he doesn't seem to be listening to the Holy Spirit. "

I tried to help her understand. "If you believe that God chose him for you, then by his refusal to choose you, you are making God out to be a liar. God is not a liar. Secondly, you are making God out to be the cause of your broken heart. God is not a breaker of hearts, but a mender of hearts. Third, by insisting that God is the one who chooses your mate, you are making Him responsible for the success or failure of your relationship."

God does not choose our mate. Nowhere does the Bible present God as choosing mates for His people; the choice is always ours. This is a principle God laid down from the very beginning. In Genesis 1:27 we read, "So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them." What are the characteristics of God that make Him God? We could name millions, but three are particularly significant here: God is Creator, God is all-knowing, and God has a will.

God does not choose your mate... the choice is always yours. God created man in His own image. He created us not as robots but as free-thinking, free-acting individuals. Robots are capable only of responding to their programming; they cannot truly think for themselves or initiate any independent actions. Robots are incapable of love. God is a Lover by nature, Who desires creatures who would love Him in return. For that to be possible, He had to create us with the capacity to choose or to reject-His love.

As free-thinking, free-acting individuals, we are like the God who created us. We have the ability to create, not out of nothing as God did, but within the sphere of our dominion. We can take what is around us and improve it and fashion new things out of the raw elements. We also have the ability to learn and to keep on learning. Finally, we have a will, which we can exercise freely. When God created man, He began with the male, Adam, and created Eve, the female, later. Even then, God did not choose Eve to be Adam's mate. Adam made that choice himself. This is clear through a careful reading of the second chapter of Genesis.

The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."... So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping. He took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh (Gen. 2:18,21-24).

God neither chose the woman for the man, nor gave her to him. God brought her to the man and he accepted her. Adam chose Eve. Nothing else is suggested or implied. As a matter of fact, in the original Hebrew, the word translated "brought" literally means "put on display." God displayed the woman He had made and presented her to Adam, who accepted what God presented to him.

Whether God chose and gave Eve to Adam or whether Adam chose her may seem to be a minor point, but in reality, it is very important. Adam, like every human being since, was responsible for his own choices. Whenever he made poor choices, he could not turn around and blame God for the consequences of those choices. That didn't stop him from trying, however. After he and Eve disobeyed God by eating of the fruit of the forbidden tree, God confronted them with their sin. He asked Adam, "Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?" (Gen. 3:11b) Adam answered, "The woman You put here with me -she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it" (Gen. 3:12). All of a sudden, at least in Adam's mind, God is responsible for the disaster because He gave the woman to Adam, and she prompted him to eat the forbidden fruit. Try as he would, however, Adam could not evade being responsible for his own choices.

What this means for us is, like Adam and Eve, we are free to choose and therefore bear responsibility for our choices and their consequences. This is just as true in our relationships as anywhere else. God may bring a potential mate across our path, but he does not choose that person for us. We make that choice ourselves, based on what we learn about that person and on the nature of the friendship that develops. It is certainly appropriate to ask God for wisdom in making our choice about a mate, but He will not choose for us. The choice is still ours.

The Bible contains many examples of this principle at work. One of the best, perhaps, is the Old Testament story of how Abraham's son, Isaac, found his wife, Rebekah. In those days, it was customary for a father to take responsibility for finding a wife for his son. Arranged marriages were quite common in that culture. One day Abraham, wanting to ensure the best for Isaac, dispatched a servant to go to his ancestral homeland and find a wife for his son.

Abraham was now old and well advanced in years, and the Lord had blessed him in every way. He said to the chief servant in his household, the one in charge of all that he had, "Put your hand under my thigh. I want you to swear by the Lord, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I am living, but will go to my country and my own relatives and get a wife for my son Isaac." The servant asked him, "What if the woman is unwilling to come back with me to this land? Shall I then take your son back to the country you came from?" "Make sure that you do not take my son back there," Abraham said. "The Lord, the God of heaven, who brought me out of my father's household and my native land and who spoke to me and promised me on oath, saying, 'To your offspring I will give this land'-he will send his angel before you so that you can get a wife for my son from there. If the woman is unwilling to come back with you, then you will be released from this oath of mine. Only do not take my son back there." So the servantbput his hand under the thigh of his master Abraham and swore an oath to him concerning this matter (Gen. 24:1-9).

Several things are important to note here. First, Abraham sent his servant to get a wife for Isaac from Abraham's own kinfolk. Beyond that restriction, Abraham was not specific. Abraham did not choose a specific person for Isaac; he merely limited the field of choice. Second, the conversation between Abraham and his servant make it clear that they both recognized the possibility that the woman the servant found, whoever she was, might choose not to come with him. Nothing was mandated beforehand; nothing was set in stone. Third, Abraham assured his servant that an angel of God would go before him and help make his mission a success. An angel is a guide, not a dictator. He could lead the servant in the right direction, but he could not-would not-make the choice himself.

In obedience to Abraham's wishes, the servant took ten camels and many good gifts with him and set out on his long journey. Upon arriving in the town of Nahor in Abraham's homeland, the servant stopped beside the town's well. Then he prayed, "O Lord, God of my master Abraham, give me success today, and show kindness to my master Abraham. See, I am standing beside this spring, and the daughters of the townspeople are coming out to draw water. May it be that when I say to a girl, 'Please let down your jar that I may have a drink,' and she says, 'Drink, and I'll water your camels too'-let her be the one you have chosen for your servant Isaac. By this I will know that you have shown kindness to my master." Before he had finished praying, Rebekah came out with her jar on her shoulder. She was the daughter of Bethuel son of Milcah, who was the wife of Abraham's brother Nahor. The girl was very beautiful, a virgin; no man had ever lain with her. She went down to the spring, filled her jar and came up again. The servant hurried to meet her and said, "Please give me a little water from your jar." "Drink, my lord," she said, and quickly lowered the jar to her hands and gave him a drink. After she had given him a drink, she said, "I'll draw water for your camels too, until they have finished drinking" (Gen. 24:12-19).

At this point, the servant makes a very specific request of the Lord. He asks God to show him the very person He has "chosen" to be Isaac's wife. Despite the specific use of the word "chosen" here in reference to God, the context of this entire story indicates that, while God is actively involved in guiding the process of finding a wife for Isaac, it is the people involved who actually make the choices. God answered the servant's prayer and brought him. directly to Rebekah, granddaughter of Abraham's brother Nahor. Rebekah was Abraham's grandniece and, therefore, Isaac's cousin.

Rebekah's family welcomes Abraham's servant into their house, and he insists on telling them his business even before eating. After relating his tale of his assignment to find a wife for Isaac and his journey to Nahor and how God answered his prayer by bringing him to Rebekah, the servant asks his hosts for a decision.

"Now if you will show kindness and faithfulness to my master, tell me; and if not, tell me, so I may know which way to turn." Laban and Bethuel answered, "This is from the Lord; we can say nothing to you one way or the other. Here is Rebekah; take her and go, and let her become the wife of your master's son, as the Lord has directed." When Abraham's servant heard what they said, he bowed down to the ground before the Lord. Then the servant brought out gold and silver jewelry and articles of clothing and gave them to Rebekah; he also gave costly gifts to her brother and to her mother. Then he and the men who were with him ate and drank and spent the night there. When they got up the next morning, he said, "Send me on my way to my master." But her brother and her mother replied, "Let the girl remain with us ten days or so; then you may go." But he said to them, "Do not detain me, now that the Lord has granted success to my journey. Send me on my way so I may go to my master." Then they said, "Let's call the girl and ask her about it." So they called Rebekah and asked her, "Will you go with this man?" "I will go," she said. So they sent their sister Rebekah on her way, along with her nurse and Abraham's servant and his men....So the servant took Rebekah and left....[Isaac] went out to the field one evening to meditate, and as he looked up, he saw camels approaching. Rebekah also looked up and saw Isaac. She got down from her camel and asked the servant, "Who is that man in the field coming to meet us?" "He is my master," the servant answered. So she took her veil and covered herself. Then the servant told Isaac all he had done. Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebekah. So she became his wife, and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death (Gen. 24:49-59,61,63-67).

These verses clearly show that, while the Lord was guiding the process of selecting a wife for Isaac, the choice still remained with the human beings involved. First, Rebekah's father, Bethuel, and her brother, Laban, gave their approval and permission for Rebekah to go. This, too, was customary in that ancient culture.

Second, when Abraham's servant was anxious to depart with Rebekah on the return journey, her family called her and asked her directly: "Will you go with this man?" She answered, "Yes." Even though God was guiding the process and, even though the male leaders in Rebekah's family gave their permission, in the end, it was Rebekah herself who made the choice.

Third, after arriving home with Rebekah, Abraham's servant explained everything to Isaac, who then married Rebekah and loved her. While Isaac's choice of Rebekah is not plainly stated, it is clearly implied. No one ordered him to marry Rebekah and there is no indication or suggestion that he was following a command from God to do so. As it was with Adam choosing Eve, Isaac chose Rebekah when she was presented to him.

When it comes to finding a mate, God will give us guidance, wisdom, and direction when we ask for it. He may even bring a suitable person (or persons) across our path. What God will not do, however, is choose our mate for us. We must make that decision based on all the information we have. He may guide us, but the final choice is ours.

DON'T JUDGE BY THE WORLD'S STANDARDS

If there is no one single special person for us, and if God does not choose our mate for us, then how do we choose the right mate? What criteria should we use? Unfortunately, many believers take their cue from the standards of society, which is unwise considering our society's generally poor track record regarding marital success. Among the general public, over half of all marriages end in divorce, and in some sectors of the Church, the figure is not much lower. Part of the problem for believers in building strong relationships is that the world's standards provide the only model they know.

Generally speaking, relationships in the world are built according to one or more of four basic criteria: physical appearance, social status, intellectual ability, and financial means. The most important criterion of all, the spiritual dimension, is usually ignored, at least until problems crop up in the relationship. By the time many couples begin paying attention to the spiritual aspects of their relationship, it is often too late.

By the time many couples begin paying attention to the spiritual aspects of their relationship, it is often too late.

Someone might ask, "What's wrong with the world's standards? Why shouldn't I look for these things in a mate?" In and of themselves, there is nothing wrong with any of these, but by themselves they are not a sound basis upon which to build a strong, long-term relationship. Such a relationship must be built on permanent qualities, and the world's standards are temporary. Any of them can change in an instant.

Many people choose a mate by searching for someone who is "handsome" or "beautiful." What do those words mean? Whose criteria do we use in determining whether or not a prospective candidate is attractive enough physically? Where do our standards of physical beauty come from? Vogue? Movie stars? Fashion shows?

The world's standard for physical attractiveness is the beauty of the supermodel, a "standard" attainable by less than one percent of the world's population. What kind of a standard is that? Nevertheless, that is the standard our society promotes. People judge and evaluate their mates. and potential mates according to an unattainable standard.

Physical attractiveness only goes so far. If a couple builds their relationship on such a standard, what happens when physical beauty begins to fade? How will she feel when his gorgeous hair turns gray or comes out, or when his trim, athletic abs turn into a potbelly? How will he feel when she starts to fill out in all the "wrong" places and develops a double chin? What if they need dentures? If they want a happy, long-term relationship, they'd better have more going for them than simply physical attraction.

Social status is another false standard for choosing a mate. Many people, particularly women, look to their mate to provide them with upward mobility in society. They want to marry into a "good" family with money, a well- respected name, and an influential position. Like physical appearance, social status can change, often quickly. All it takes is a downturn in the economy or some poor investment choices to knock a couple several rungs down the social ladder.

Some people look for a mate based on intellectual capacity or educational accomplishments. Is she a college graduate? What field is she going into? Is he going to be an engineer? A doctor? A lawyer? A businessman? A corporate executive? Even these considerations are influenced by concerns of money and social status. After all, we often hear someone dream, "I want to marry a doctor," or, "I want to marry a lawyer." How often do we hear someone say, "I want to marry a ditch digger," or, "I want to marry a grocery store clerk"? There is nothing at all wrong with being a ditch digger or a grocery store clerk, but our society has conditioned us to think there is.

Another false standard for choosing a mate is basing the choice on his or her financial means. "Can he support me?" "Can she take care of me?" "Can we live on one income, or will both of us have to work?" While these are legitimate and important questions-persons contemplating marriage need to consider carefully whether or not they are prepared for the financial realities of married life-financial means alone is not the basis for choosing a mate or for getting married.

JUDGE ACCORDING TO GOD'S STANDARDS

Finding a mate is not a matter of meeting up with that one "magic" person or persuading God to cause someone to fall in love with us. The key to finding the right mate is first to identify the qualities and character that we will hold as our standard without compromise, and then evaluate the potential candidates we meet according to those standards. A woman may be beautiful but have poor character. A man may be a business genius, making money left and right, but lack common courtesy, sensitivity, and compassion.

Our primary concern should be not how a person looks or what a person does, but what kind of a person he or she is. Appearances are deceiving. All of us are born with talents and gifts, but character must be developed, carefully cultivated, and nurtured over time. This is one reason why it is important to take time to get to know a person before getting into a serious relationship. Just about anyone you meet can dazzle you for a little while with charm, consideration, and politeness. Stay with him long enough, though, and his character will begin to show through. What you should be alert for is to see whether his outward behavior is a true reflection of his character. Solid character will reflect itself in consistent behavior, while poor character will seek to hide behind deceptive words and actions.

All of us are born with talents and gifts, but character must be developed, carefully cultivated, and nurtured over time.

When we look into the Word of God, we find that any time God chose people for His purposes, He always looked for character and internal qualities, not physical attributes. Moses was slow of speech and a stutterer, yet God chose him to go before Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt. When God set out to deliver His people from the marauding Midianites, he chose Gideon, who described himself as the least in his father's family, of the least of the tribes of Israel. God also told Gideon that He would give victory using only 300 men chosen not by specific name, but by the characteristic way they drank water from the stream. David was the youngest and smallest of Jesse's sons, not considered even significant enough to be brought before Samuel, who was seeking God's man to be king. Nevertheless, David was God's choice because he had a heart for God. In Acts 6, when servant ministers were needed in the church in Jerusalem, the apostles, under the Holy Spirit's leading, directed the church to "choose seven men from among you who are known to be full of the Spirit and wisdom" (Acts 6:3). The Spirit laid down the qualities; the church chose the men.

A similar situation is found in First Timothy 3, in which Paul gives Timothy guidelines for selecting overseers and deacons for the church.

Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.... He must also have a good reputation with outsiders.... Deacons, likewise, are to be men worthy of respect, sincere, not indulging in much wine, and not pursuing dishonest gain. They must keep hold of the deep truths of the faith with a clear conscience.... A deacon must be the husband of but one wife and must manage his children and his household well (1 Tim. 3:2-4;7-9,12).

Once again, the focus is on character and qualifications rather than on identifying specific people by name. Timothy was to make selections according to those qualifications. Anyone whose lifestyle demonstrated the necessary qualities was an acceptable candidate. The qualities of character that Paul laid down here for overseers and deacons sound also like excellent qualities to look for in a mate: "above reproach...temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable...not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money." These are the kinds of things God looks for in a person He chooses. These are the standards by which He measures, and we should do the same.

In the course of daily living, there may be many people who will cross our paths who demonstrate these qualities.. According to these standards, any one of them could be a potential mate. The only way to know for sure is by getting to know them; by building a friendship with them. These kinds of qualities will not come out through a casual acquaintance. We must spend a lot of time with someone in order to discern his or her character. Anyone can put on his best behavior for awhile. At some point, however, he will show his true colors. How he responds to the circumstances of life will reveal his character. If we know ahead of time the qualities and character that we are looking for in a mate, it will be much easier for us to recognize that person whenever he or she comes along.

Choosing a life partner is not a matter of getting a magical sense or a supernatural revelation that, "This is the one." It is a matter of getting to know people who cross your path and evaluating them by the uncompromising standards you have established beforehand, recognizing always that you will find more than one person who meets those standards. That is what makes finding a life partner a choice in the truest sense of the word. Out of all the people you know, out of all the friendships you develop, out of all the legitimate "possibles" before you, you choose one person with whom you wish to spend the rest of your life. This is not a flighty, haphazard, head-in-the-clouds choice, but a deliberate, sober, feet-firmly-planted-on-the-ground decision. It is reaching the place where you approach another and say with deliberate confidence, "I choose you.

Key lesson from this message.

1. God does not have one and only one special person for us.

2. There are any number of people in the world who are potential mates for us because of similarities in personality, character, values, and interests to our own.

3. If there are any number of "suitable" candidates for us to marry, then marrying one of them becomes a choice that we make.

4. The choice that we make to marry a particular person calls for a firm commitment on our part to be faithful to the one we choose.

5. God does not choose the person He wants us to marry.

6. God created all of us with the freedom to choose, and He never violates that freedom.

7. God may bring a potential mate across your path, but he does not choose that person for you. You make that choice yourself, based on what you learn about that person and on the nature of the friendship that develops.

8. The world builds relationships according to one or more of four basic criteria: physical appearance, social status, intellectual ability, and financial means.

9. The key to finding the right mate is first to identify the qualities and character that we will hold as our standard without compromise, and then evaluate the potential candidates we meet according to those standards.

10. Out of all the people we know, out of all the friendships we develop, out of all the legitimate "possibles" before us, we choose one person with whom we wish to spend the rest of our life.

Thank you for reading.