Friendship-Building: The Purpose of Dating

Part 2: Friendship-Building: The Purpose of Dating 

True friendship is the strongest relationship of all, and is the fundamental ingredient of every truly successful marriage. Friendship does not come to full bloom overnight; it takes time to grow and mature. Since husbands and wives should enter marriage as best friends, it is important that they develop their friendship beforehand. Building this friendship is the greatest value and, indeed, the primary purpose of dating.

The strongest and most successful long-term relationships are those that are based on friendship rather than on any sense of need or incompleteness on the part of either or both persons involved. A relationship motivated by need destroys friendship because it is essentially self- centered. A person in need will enter a relationship seeking primarily to satisfy that need rather than seeking to satisfy the needs of the other person or help build that person's character. Entering a relationship primarily for what we can get out of it defrauds the other person, and that is sin.

One problem I have discovered through years of experience in counseling and from my own life is that most people do not understand how to build and maintain wholesome friendships. We don't know how to make friends or how to be a friend. While this is a serious problem among believers, it is even worse in the non- believing world.

Friendship in the world is based inevitably on manipulation. Consciously or not, people in the world use friendships as convenient and expedient opportunities to advance themselves. What the world calls friendship is not true friendship, because true friendship is based on love, which comes from God. People who are without God do not truly understand love and therefore cannot truly understand friendship.

When we became believers and were born again by the Spirit of God, our spirits were made new, but not our minds or our bodies. Those we must renew through knowledge and growth. The challenge we face is learning how to handle ourselves with a new spirit dwelling in an "old" mind and body that don't know how to behave. We have to learn how to live and act as children of God.

This is probably nowhere harder to do than in relationships, particularly between males and females. Our newborn spirits tell us one thing while our unrenewed minds and bodies tell us something else. Without a disciplined spirit, the chemical and sexual stirrings of mind and body are difficult to deny. That is why we must learn, as Paul writes, to "be transformed by the renewing of [our] mind[s]" (Rom. 12:2b), and to "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Cor. 10:5b).

Many people ask, "How can I get to know someone without slipping into inappropriate behavior? How can I build a relationship based on friendship rather than physical attraction?" The answer lies first in understanding the nature and purpose of friendship, which is to build character, and, second, understanding the different levels of friendship and the behavior that is appropriate for each level.

QUESTIONS FOR BUILDING FRIENDSHIPS

Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to meet someone but didn't know what to say or how to break the ice? That is a very common experience for most people. Few of us are taught while growing up how to speak to new people. On the contrary, we are cautioned not to talk to strangers. It is easy to forget that every friend or acquaintance of ours was a stranger once.

The key to overcoming this deficiency is to learn to focus on the other person rather than on ourselves and our fear or shyness. Getting our attention off of ourselves can help us develop a greater degree of self-confidence as well as help us learn how to listen more carefully to what others have to say. Focusing on the other person is one of the steadfast principles of friendship. Never talk about yourself, wait for the other person to ask. Instead, get that other person to tell you about himself or herself. Ask questions and then listen to the answers. Most people respond very favorably when they know someone else is genuinely interested in them.

Years ago, Dale Carnegie wrote a powerful and best- selling book titled How to Win Friends and Influence People. His first law was that we should never talk about ourselves but get others to talk about themselves. There is a very simple reason for this: by nature every human being is interested first and foremost in himself or herself. Think about it. Under normal circumstances, wouldn't you rather talk about yourself, your family, your interests, and your accomplishments than listen to someone else talk about theirs? Sin has made us self-centered, so we have to deliberately plan to go against our natural inclination. That is why making a friend and being a friend are so challenging: we have to work at it.

We should never talk about ourselves, but rather, get others to talk about themselves.

Jesus used this very method to build relationships. Over and over, wherever He went, He never began by talking about Himself. When people in need came to Him, He asked, "What do you want Me to do for you?" He gave them His full attention, asked them a question, listened to their reply, and responded accordingly. Hurting and needy people flocked to Him by the thousands because they knew that He was a man Who cared about them and was interested in them personally. Who would not respond that way? True selflessness is rare in the world, but it should be commonplace among the people of God.

One of the best ways that we can begin building a friendship is by asking questions that focus on the other person's interests. Most people like to talk about themselves, and this is a good way to help them feel comfortable and to gain their trust. These questions can be grouped into four basic areas: family, education, interests, and spiritual things.

The first level of friendship-building questions has to do with family. Why ask people about their family? Because nothing is more dear to them. Here are a few examples. "What are your parents' names? What do they do for a living? How many brothers and sisters do you have? Are you married or single? Do you have any children? What are their names? Where did you grow up? What can you tell me about your family heritage?" The object is to get the other person talking, so avoid deeply personal and probing questions, as well as questions that can be answered with a simple "yes" or "no."

Education is another subject for good conversation. Since virtually everyone has completed at least a certain level of education, everyone has something to talk about. Even a dropout could talk about the failure of the educational system. Knowing where your new friend stands educationally may be very helpful as you seek to help him or her move toward their personal goals, which is part of what friendship is all about. Ask such things as: "How far along are you in school? What school do you attend? Did you drop out of school? If so, why? What are your future educational goals? Do you want to go to college?"

In the third area, ask questions that will get them talking about their personal interests. This is an excellent way to discover what you may have in common. "Do you like sports? What sports are you involved in? Who's your favorite team? Do you have any hobbies? What kind of music do you like? Do you sing or play an instrument? What clubs do you belong to? Do you like to travel? What is your favorite vacation spot?"

The fourth area of friendship-building questions relates to spiritual matters. We should always take a genuine interest in people for who they are, but at the same time have the desire and prayer in our hearts to gauge where they stand in relation to Christ and, as their friend, to lead them to knowledge of Him. In recent years there has been a great upswing of interest in spiritual things in general, particularly in Western culture. More and more people are becoming open to spiritual or supernatural realities. In seeking new friendships, we can get people talking about spiritual matters. "When you attend worship, where do you attend? Do you believe in life after death? Are you a member of a church? Which one? How often do you attend? Are you sure that you will go to Heaven when you die?" People have spiritual interests and questions about life, and we need to be sensitive to them.

Ultimately, our purpose in being a friend should be to encourage, lift up, and help build the character of those with whom we are friends, and to do all we can to assist them in achieving their dreams. Naturally, we cannot do this with everyone we meet, or with anyone right off the bat. Friendship develops in stages. Basically, there are four levels of friendship, and at any given time most of us will have at least one person we know at each level.

1. ACQUAINTANCE

The lowest level of friendship is that of acquaintance. I believe that everyone in the Body of Christ should have as many people as possible in this category. To the greatest degree practical, we should take the initiative to at least get acquainted with everyone we meet. A friendship of acquaintance is based on occasional contact with very basic and general knowledge of each other. With an acquaintance you talk about the weather, the kids, how your favorite teams did, how school is going, how work is going- general topics that won't cause the person to feel threatened or that you are trying to pry.

Each level of friendship carries certain responsibilities, and at the acquaintance level it is the responsibility to view our acquaintances as divine appointments. As believers, we need to realize that none of our encounters are accidental. God places people in our paths-and us in theirs-that we might be a blessing to each other. He has foreordained that we meet. No one is unimportant or beneath us. Everyone is significant and worthy of our appreciation. We should be alert to discern the reasons God brought them our way. It may be the beginning of a wonderful life-long friendship.

God places people in our paths-and us in theirs-that we might be a blessing to each other.

How can good acquaintances be friends? There are several things we can do. First, be alert to every new person around us. Pay attention to their expressions, gestures, and what they are doing. Learn as much about them as possible simply by watching (but not staring).

Second, be careful to wear a cheerful, friendly countenance. In other words, smile at people and be friendly. Some people go around all the time with such scowls or frowns on their faces that no one even wants to be around them, much less talk to them. We should be cheerful and ready to talk, behaving in a manner that encourages others to talk to us.

Next, we should be careful to learn and remember their names. It has been said that the sweetest sound in a person's ear is the sound of his or her own name. People appreciate being remembered as an individual rather than being marked off as a number or just another faceless member of the crowd.

Number four grows naturally from number three: greet them by name the next time we see them. There is no faster way to begin developing a bond of friendship with someone than for that person to realize that we care enough to remember his or her name beyond our first meeting.

A fifth step is to ask questions about their interests. Find out what motivates them-what gets them up in the morning.

Sixth, we should be good listeners.

Seventh, we should remind ourselves of the interest that God has in them, and desire to have that same interest as well.

2. CASUAL FRIENDSHIP

The next level above acquaintance is casual friendship. Relationships at this level are based on common interests, activities, and concerns. Casual friends meet more frequently than do acquaintances, and in avenues that are more personal: playing tennis or racquetball, quilting or sewing, bird watching, studying astronomy, going to clubs or participating in common hobbies.

One characteristic of casual friendship is the freedom to ask specific questions concerning personal opinions, wishes, dreams, and goals. At this level, the friendship is more involved and more personal than at the acquaintance level. Casual friends enjoy getting together occasionally to talk about or share their common interests. They begin to praise and encourage each other in their achievements and accomplishments. Their attraction is more toward their common interests than toward each other in any emotional sense. Casual friends are not "serious" about each other emotionally. Their friendship is nourished by the pleasure they derive from shared interests.

A casual friendship is one in which the people involved discover they have some things in common that draw them closer, and is the natural outgrowth of an acquaintance relationship. How do we strengthen our relationships with our casual friends? There are several ways. First, we should seek to discover their strong points. We all have strengths and weaknesses, but too often all we hear about are our weaknesses. It is easy to criticize, but for some reason, we find it much harder to praise and affirm. By focusing on our friends' strengths, we can build them up and help them grow stronger.

Second, we should try to learn about their hopes and desires in life. What are their dreams? If they could have anything in the world, what would it be? If they could do anything they desired, what would they choose? Getting them to talk about their dreams helps them keep those dreams alive and encourages them to pursue them.

A third way to be a good casual friend is to show interest and concern if our friends share a problem with us. We may or may not be able to do much to help, but sometimes what a person needs more than anything else is just a sympathetic listening car.

Fourth, we need to be honest about ourselves and acknowledge our own faults to our friends when appropriate. We need to be quick to apologize and seek forgiveness if we hurt or offend, and be transparent about our motives. Our honesty will encourage our friends to be honest with us. Honesty promotes honesty and always serves the greater good of everyone.  Along with honesty goes trustworthiness. Our friends need to know that they can trust us with information or with confidences they may need to share with us. A good friend does not go around spreading gossip or talking to others about personal matters that another friend shared in confidence.

Finally, as a good friend, we will talk to God about our friends' needs, dreams, and desires. In other words, we will pray for our friends. Although this comes last in the list, praying for our friends is really the most important and significant thing we can do for them.

Praying for our friends is the most important and significant thing we can do for them.

3. CLOSE FRIENDSHIP AND FELLOWSHIP

A casual friendship frequently progresses to the next level of close friendship and fellowship. Close friendship is based on mutual life goals and friends at this level enjoy the freedom to suggest mutual projects toward reaching those goals. Most people never get this far in their relationships. So many jump straight from acquaintance to "intimate" because that is the model held up by society, and because they do not know how to go through the friendship-building process. What so many people call "intimate" relationships are not intimate at all, because the people involved have never learned what true intimacy is or how to build toward it. Ultimately, true intimacy has very little to do with sexual relations.

Another characteristic of close friendship is that it is the first relationship that involves genuine common fellowship. Fellowship implies mutual interests and life goals because friends are "fellows" who are in the same "ship" together and therefore traveling the same direction. We can have fellowship only with people who are headed in the same direction as we are. As believers, we can have an acquaintance or even a casual relationship with a Mormon, Buddhist or Hindu, but we can't really have fellowship with them because they are headed in a different direction. Their beliefs and values are different, their life goals are different, and their final destination is different.

Close friends pursue mutual goals and most often share similar values, ideals, and worldviews. It is at this level where unmarried friends begin seriously looking at each other as potential mates: "Are his dreams and goals compatible with mine?" "Is she a person I could share the rest of my life with?" If they are not suited for each other as far as marriage is concerned, this is the time to find out rather than later, after binding and lasting commitments have been made.

One characteristic of this deeper level of friendship and fellowship is the freedom to suggest mutual projects toward reaching life's goals. This means that each friend becomes directly involved in helping the other succeed. Either through advice, referring them to a source that can help, or by giving them personal, financial, or material assistance, close friends take more than just casual interest in their friends' welfare; they get involved.

In our desire to build close friendships we should, first of all, look for and recognize the potential for great achievement in our friends' lives. Once we see them not just for who they are but also for who they can be, we are better prepared to help them fulfill their potential.

Second, we should discover and discuss their specific life goals with them. Without goals, none of us ever go anywhere because we have no roadmap for our lives and nothing to shoot for. Discussing life goals with a friend is personally enriching and rewarding for both and helps set the stage for making specific plans to reach those goals.

As close friends, we will also assume a measure of personal responsibility for the development of our friends' goals. At this level, we have moved beyond, "I hope you make it," to "I'm going to help you make it."

A fourth step is to help our friends identify and overcome hindrances to the achievement of their goals. Are there financial obstacles? Is further education required? Sometimes people lack the confidence that they can actually reach for their dreams successfully. They may need help overcoming a negative mindset and self-defeating thought patterns.

After identifying potential or actual hindrances, the next step is to help our friends design projects that will move them tangibly and measurably toward their goals. Suppose a wife wants to go back to school to get her degree. If her husband is the friend he should be, he will do everything he can to help her succeed. It may mean taking on more of the household work to give her time to study, or watching the children alone one or two evenings while she is in class. Close friends are committed to their friends' success.

Close friends are committed to their friends' success.

A sixth way to be a good close friend is to look for ways to enhance, encourage, and build up our friends' continuing interest in the project. When we get bogged down, it is easy to become discouraged. Knowing there is someone nearby who believes in us can be a real shot in the arm. Perhaps a friend is studying music or learning to play an instrument. One way to encourage him or her would be with a gift: "When I was traveling last weekend, I saw this music and thought of you." Being a continuing source of encouragement for our friends will help them succeed.

Another helpful step would be to share Scriptures we have found that will encourage, strengthen, guide, and help mature our friends.

4. INTIMATE FRIENDSHIP AND FELLOWSHIP

The fourth and highest level of friendship is that of intimate friendship and fellowship, where friends are committed to the development of each other's character. It is here where true intimacy begins to take place-intimacy of spirit and mind rather than body-a "connectedness" in which friends not only work together on shared interests, but walk together in oneness of spirit. Such intimacy. among friends requires the freedom to correct each other, which is why this level is so risky. Being open to correction means making ourselves vulnerable, and many people are not willing to do that. Consequently, they never experience true, intimate friendship with anyone. Just as with close friends, but to an even greater degree, intimate friends share the same vision, the same life goals, and are walking in the same direction. They are "fellows" on the same "ship." By this understanding, a believer cannot truly be intimate friends with a non-believer because they are not headed in the same direction. The best place to meet and make an intimate friend is on the road to the Kingdom of God.

The best place to meet and make an intimate friend is on the road to the Kingdom of God.

During His earthly ministry, Jesus had friendships at every level. He had many acquaintances that knew Him by sight, but had little other contact. Casual friends were fewer in number. These were the people who followed Jesus or attached themselves to His ministry in some way but were not close enough to know His heart. Jesus' close friends included the 12 men He chose as His disciples, as well as a few others outside that circle, such as Mary, Martha, Lazarus, and several women who often accompanied Jesus and supported Him out of their means. Of the 12 disciples, three-Peter, James, and John-were favored to become Jesus' intimate friends.

Those three alone accompanied Jesus to the Mount of Transfiguration. They alone went with Him into the room where Jairus' daughter lay dead and witnessed Jesus bring her back to life. Peter, James, and John truly were Jesus' companions. A companion is one with whom you explore the deep thoughts of your heart, your dreams, aspirations, fears, weaknesses, and desires. There were things that Jesus told the disciples that He did not tell anyone else. Many were the times when Jesus taught the multitudes in parables and later, privately, explained them in greater detail to His disciples. Jesus' casual friends were interested in His interests, His close friends were committed to His goals, but His intimate friends were after His heart.

The presence or absence of commitment is the main way to distinguish between levels of friendship. Acquaintances and casual friendships carry little or no commitment and the ebb and flow of life constantly takes some of them out of our sphere of influence and brings others into it. Close and intimate friendships are committed to the long-term. Intimate friends are committed to the development of each other's character. That means that they are driven to do everything in their power to help each other be better than the day before. We need to ask ourselves, "Do I have that kind of friend?" but even more importantly, "Am I that kind of friend?"

True and intimate friends look out for each other's welfare. They are not afraid to say, "Don't do that, because it's not good for you." They will not say or do anything or put pressure on each other that could lead to damaged or compromised character. If, for example, your so-called dating "friend" is always pressuring you to have sex, you need to reevaluate the nature of that friendship. A true friend will not put that kind of pressure on you. Anyone who does should be relegated to a casual friend or an acquaintance. Save your intimate friendship for someone who will be committed to your character.

True and intimate friends look out for each other's welfare.

As believers, we should reserve our intimate friendships for other believers, because then we are mutually committed to helping each other live and walk in the will and purpose of God and to develop godly character. This does not mean that we should not cultivate friendly relationships with non-believers. How else can we influence them for Christ? It does mean that we should remember that no matter how much we may have in common with our non-believing friends in the areas of interests, hobbies, and the like, we are on completely different planes spiritually. Our intimate friends should be people who are seeking the Kingdom of God just as we are.

One characteristic of true intimacy is the capacity to both give and receive correction with grace and appreciation. Intimate friends love each other enough not to let sin, errors, or wrong direction go uncorrected. They respect and trust each other enough to receive correction without resentment or suspicion. Intimate friends are comfortable in the knowledge that they are committed to each other's welfare and greatest good.

Intimate friendship carries with it the mutual responsibility of open honesty with discretion. Openness is essential to intimacy, but true friends will carefully guard each other's confidences. There are some things we can tell our dearest friends that no one else needs to know.

Here are some practical steps we can take to become good intimate friends. First, be ready, willing, and available to give our friends comfort and support during their times of trial and sorrow. At the same time, we should be just as ready to rejoice with them in times of success and prosperity. It has been said that shared sorrow is halved while shared joy is doubled. Friends support each other in joy or sorrow, in good times or bad.

Second, we should assume a measure of personal responsibility for our friends' reputations. We should be jealous for the integrity of their good name and quick to defend them from criticism or attack. If criticism and correction are justifiable, we should do it privately and in a manner that preserves our friends' dignity and honor.

Third, we need to be sensitive to traits and attitudes that need improvement, not only in our friends' lives, but also in our own. If we are committed to personal character development, we must be open to ways to improve and help our friends in the same way.

Similarly, we must discern the basic causes of character deficiencies in our friends as well as in ourselves. Seeking character flaws in our friends is not for the purpose of criticism, but for correction. We want them to become the best people they can be. As concerned outsiders, we can see their character flaws better than they can. This is a two- way street, however. Our friends can also see in us character deficiencies that we cannot see in ourselves. True friends are committed to working with each other to become better people.

A fifth step is to build our friends' interest in correcting their own deficiencies by asking them to tell us about ours. This goes hand-in-hand with number four.

Sixth, we should search the Scriptures for keys to building strong character, either alone or with our friends, and discuss our findings. In this way we can grow together.

Finally, no matter what, we should always be committed to faithfulness, loyalty, and availability.

DISTINGUISHING QUALITIES OF FRIENDSHIP

Friendship is not a gift, but is the result of hard work. Christ-like character is not built overnight. It comes only through committed effort. Friends working together to achieve these common goals will find success easier than those who try to do it alone. Mutual encouragement and accountability make a big difference in how quickly we progress toward our goal.

Friendship is not a gift, but is the result of hard work.

With this in mind, we need to consider what kind of qualities we should look for in a friend, and then endeavor to build those in ourselves so that we too can be good friends.

• Truthfulness versus deception. Are we truthful and honest in all our dealings? Is there any deceptiveness in our speech or manner?

• Obedience versus willfulness. Are we obedient to what we ought to do, rather than willfully doing only what we want to do or what we feel we can get away with?

•Sincerity versus hypocrisy. Are we sincere in our commitment to God and to our friends? Are we committed to their character, or only to what we can get from them? Are we hypocritical, hiding an ulterior motive under a guise of love? • Virtue versus defilement. Are we committed to keeping ourselves clean and pure in mind and body? Do we act from the highest motives and most honorable intentions?

• Boldness versus fearfulness. Are we secure with who we are in Christ? Are we confident in standing up for what is right, even if it means standing alone?

• Forgiveness versus rejection. Do we have a forgiving spirit, ready to be reconciled with someone who has offended us? Are we humble enough to seek forgiveness when we have offended?

• Joyfulness versus withdrawal. Do we approach life from a fundamental position of joy? Have we discovered that joy is a quality and fruit of the Holy Spirit and therefore not dependent upon our circumstances?

• Flexibility versus resistance. Are we willing to allow others to be different and to make mistakes? Are we adaptable, or do we resist change?

•Availability versus dominance. Are we available and willing to help without forcing our advice and assistance on others? Are we willing to listen and consider other viewpoints, or do we always insist on our own way?

• Endurance versus giving up. Are we patient? Do we possess the presence of mind and strength of spirit to persevere through trial or hardship? Do we have "staying power"?

• Reverence versus disrespect. Are we reverent toward God in all things? Are we respectful toward other people in every circumstance? 

• Diligence versus slothfulness. Are we diligent in our work and in the pursuit of our goals, or are we lazy, content with doing just enough to get by? Security versus anxiety. Are we secure in our own personality and identity? Are we complete within ourselves or do we look to others to supply our lack? Are we anxious or fearful about life or about what others may think of us? Wisdom versus natural inclinations. Do we think before we act? Are we guided by sound principles and values, or do we simply flow with the tide, acting on impulse?

• Discernment versus imperceptiveness. Are we sensitive to the Spirit of God and to the environment around us? Do we pick up on the moods and feelings of others?

• Faith versus presumption. Does our faith in Christ guide our actions and decisions, or do we act on impulse or the whim of the moment? • Discretion versus simple-mindedness. Do we think before we speak or act, or do we "shoot from the hip"? Do we consider beforehand the possible consequences of our words or actions? 

• Self-control versus self-gratification. Do we exercise appropriate restraint in speech, behavior, and desire, or simply act according to what feels good? Are we guided by discipline and modesty or driven by greed, lust, ego, or hormones?

• Thriftiness versus extravagance. Are we careful with money or does it slip through our fingers as fast as we make it? Are we frugal without being stingy and generous without being reckless?

• Creativity versus underachievement. Are we self- motivated and self-starting, or do we need someone to always direct us in what to do and how to do it? Are we innovators, always looking for new ideas, or do we simply follow routine?

• Enthusiasm versus negativity. Is life perennially fresh and exciting for us and full of opportunity, or are we always nay-saying other people's thoughts, dreams, and creative ideas? Are we optimistic about the future, or always down about life?

• Resourcefulness versus wastefulness. Do we use our time, material, and energy constructively and efficiently? Do we value quality? Can we distinguish between the important and the unimportant, and between the good and the best?

• Punctuality versus tardiness. Do we value other people's time or are we consistently late? Do we organize and plan ahead to be punctual? Can other people depend on us to be timely in our commitments?

• Contentment versus covetousness. Are we content with what we have or driven by the craving for more? Are our needs simple, or are we hard to satisfy? Are we willing to let go of some things in order to hold on to the most important things?

• Gratefulness versus pride. Do we have an "attitude of gratitude toward God and toward other people? Do we appreciate what others do for us or are we too proud to acknowledge how much we need them?

• Neatness versus disorganization. Are we orderly in our habits and behavior or do we tend to let things go? Do we respect others" "space"? Do we stay on top of bills, commitments, and other obligations, or do we neglect them?

• Initiative versus unresponsiveness. Do we look for something to do or wait until someone directs us? Do we seek to exceed expectations and our own past performance, or do only the bare minimum that is required?

• Courage versus cowardice. Do we stand behind our convictions? Do we stand behind our friends and family? Do we stand behind our word or cave in under opposition?

• Responsibility versus irresponsibility. Are we reliable? Can others depend on us to do what we said we would do? Are we willing to be held accountable for our actions and our words?

 • Decisiveness versus double-mindedness. Can we make decisions and stand behind them, or are we always second-guessing ourselves? Do we accept our responsibility or do we defer to others decisions that are rightfully ours to make?

• Loyalty versus unfaithfulness. Are we true to our commitments? Do our friends have the confidence that we will always be there for them or have we let them down too many times?

Attentiveness versus inapproachability. Are we good listeners? Do we pay attention when others speak to us? • Do they come to us with a fear, a burden, or a joy, or do we appear cold and aloof, with an air that says, "Leave me alone"?

• Sensitivity versus carelessness. Are we watchful of others' feelings and moods and of how our words and actions may affect them? Does our body language show that we care about them and are genuinely interested in them?

 •Fairness versus partiality. Are we willing to listen to both sides of a story? Do we seek truth, justice, and equity in every situation or do we display bias and prejudice and constantly play favorites?

• Compassion versus indifference. Are we moved to action by the pain, suffering, or need of others, or are we too caught up with our own affairs to bother with them?

• Gentleness versus harshness. Are we mature enough to speak softly, even in rebuke, knowing that "a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Prov. 15:1)?

• Deference versus rudeness. Do we defer rebuke or correction to a private setting, or do we inflict hurt, humiliation, and resentment by scolding in public and endangering our relationship?

• Meekness versus anger. Are we meek toward others, exhibiting "strength under control," or do we lash out in anger or violence, displaying a lack of self-control, which is weakness? Do we desire to bless people rather than hurt them?

I personalized these distinguishing characteristics of friendship by describing them in the first person plural in order to remind us that the initiative should always be ours. Once we understand the principles, we are responsible for applying them. The best way to make a friend is by being a friend. True friendship, like true love, always focuses on the other instead of the self.

The best way to make a friend is by being a friend.

Key lesson from this message.

1. True friendship is based on love, which comes from God. 

2. Focusing on the other person is one of the steadfast principles of friendship.

3. A friendship of acquaintance is based on occasional contact with a very basic and general knowledge of each other.

4. We should view our acquaintances as appointments.

5. Casual friendship is based on common interests, activities, and concerns. 6. A casual friendship is nourished by the pleasure

derived from shared interests.

7. Close friendship is based on mutual life goals with the freedom to suggest mutual projects toward reaching those goals.

8. Intimate friends are committed to the development of each other's character.

9. Intimate friends have the freedom to correct each other.

10. Intimate friends share the same vision and life goals, and are walking in the same direction.

11. Intimate friendship carries with it the mutual responsibility of open honesty with discretion.

12. True friendship, like true love, focuses on the other instead of the self.